Donald Trump: Active Shooter Deactivated

“You don’t know until you test it, but I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.”—President Donald Trump

A slight breeze wafted through his voluminous hair as President Trump rappelled from the helicopter. His lithe body silently hit the ground, and using his eagle-eyed vision—still 20/20, even after years of reviewing thousands of very important business documents—he quickly assessed the situation.

Yet another shooter. Yet another high school. But this time…this time, things would be different. This time, Donald J. Trump was going to put an end to it.

Did he have a weapon? Not in the traditional sense, no. But for some men…for some men, their very bodies are weapons.

With the lightness and speed of a mighty puma, Trump ran to the front door of the school.

“If my calculations are correct,” Trump thought, “the shooter will be right behind here.” He kicked open the door.

And there he was—the shooter stood a mere ten feet from Trump. The two men stared at each other for an instant. Trump hadn’t seen such cold, menacing eyes since he had fired Teller (of Penn and Teller) during season four of “Celebrity Apprentice.”

The killer started to aim his rifle, but, before he could shoot, Trump undid his long red necktie, fashioning it into a crude lasso. With a flick of his wrist, the fabric wrapped around the gun’s barrel—and, in a split-second, the gun was in Trump’s hands.

“Looks like the tables have turned, hombre,” Trump said.

But wait! Suddenly, the assailant pulled out a knife and lunged toward the president!

That was his second mistake. (The first mistake was trying to do a school shooting while Donald J. Trump was in office.)

Luckily, a bag of golf clubs was leaning against the wall. Trump grabbed a 9 iron, a golf ball, and a tee. Without even a practice swing, Trump let loose a perfect shot—driving the ball right into the madman’s skull. He dropped to the floor, dead as a doornail.

“Now that’s what I call a hole in one!” Trump said.

The hallway filled with happy students and teachers. “Thank you so much for coming to rescue us, Mr. President!” one shouted. “We are all really big fans of yours!” Trump shook all of their hands and tossed some “Make America Great Again” hats into the adoring crowd.

“Mr. President, you saved us all,” cooed a comely young woman, the head of the cheerleading squad. “And seeing you now in person, it is obvious that you are a very big, strong man,” she purred, squeezing his shapely bicep.

“Hold on just a second, missy,” Trump said. “How old are you?”

“Seventeen, but my birthday is next week!”

“Have you ever heard of a little something called a rain-check?” Trump asked, flashing his trademark devil-may-care grin.

Everyone laughed and applauded, applauded and laughed, long into the night.